He was my young love, a true love, and I let him go. It was for his own good, I thought for sure. But now I'm second guessing, though not for my sake as I am in a happy place, in a happy relationship. He is in deep in his struggles, and as lost as the day that I left. My heart feels for him, though not in the way that I felt when we were together and carefree. Now I have no right, so I stay silent.

It's been years upon years, but I can't stop the feeling of guilt. It's as if I somehow derailed him by choosing to move on without him. I moved on and found My Heart. He moved on and got stuck in time.

"Hey Lis," my brother asks. "Is today CT's birthday?"

"Yes," I said without hesitation. I think about it every year.

My brother updates me once in a while as he unwittingly does. Tells me what's been going on with his life, the downfalls, tripping headfirst into more trouble. I'm reminded of a picture of him taken before I went back to Asia for the summer, hair disheveled, the sad look in his eyes. He came up everyday to feed my cat when I was out in Hong Kong drinking and smoking.

Oftentimes when I bump into him, I'd want to know if he's found someone. I recalled the first few times we saw each other again, fresh from the pain of the break, glad that we're able to talk once more. I asked him if he's seeing anyone. He said he dated a couple of times and I felt better. We'd stand on the corner of Mott and Canal for hours on end, taking comfort in each other's company. It was a silent bond we momentarily shared, knowing that we missed each other and this was the only way we can be.

It may be naive of me, but I feel that if he found someone who could understand him, that his life would start again. Move on and be happy. I know his secret too well, and I pray for the day that someone special can step into his life and wake up his soul. His pursuit of happiness involves this and nothing else matters.

So on the eve of his birthday, I think of him once more and silently send him a wish. Hope it's not too late. And maybe the next time I see him he will have that spark in his eyes again.

Happy birthday CT. May you find your heart once more.