The Sandbanks of My Memory

It's funny how things can change your mind instantly. Fate whispers into the wind and the next thing you know, life forces a situation that pushes the boundaries of destiny. My thoughts are solidified into a concrete block, ready to take what may come. And what came tonight was not entirely unexpected thanks to seemingly random events that chipped away at my previously published belief.

Someone's post today made me think a lot about the progression of my (love) life. He wanted to know our thoughts on being friends with our exes. My thoughts were shared after much consideration of the one and only past that stood along the sandbanks of my memory:

On my end, there is only one ex that I would still consider a friend. That ex is the only one that I still care for, though not in the same way as when we used to be when we were together. The funny thing is that when we were together, he would say that he cannot be friends with his exes no matter what, and I disagreed. After our breakup, it took a long time for both of us to heal. We finally did gain closure after we tried to give it another chance only to realize that we both moved on. Now when I see him, we fall back into the time when we were friends before the relationship, and it is a comfortable space. Left unsaid is the intensity we felt for each other when we were a couple, now merely a memory that resides in the both of us. Our bond was made stronger by our relationship, but it was only for that moment in time. Until recently, I felt like I can still be friends with him. But now as I move further from that time I realize that cutting ties makes more sense, if not for me, then for the one that has my heart now...

Today, high tides washed against my columned soul. I was unconsciously bracing myself for the wave, and the wave came suddenly as I called home announcing my and My Heart's return.

"Hey Dad, what time is dinner? We are headed over soon."
"You are?... Your... old friend is visiting your brother... What's his name again?.."

I pretended not to have heard, but called my brother to see if I can get a confirmation, to which he provided none. Minutes later, we arrived, greeted by a family of two- and four-legged ones. After exchanging pleasantries with the parents, the dog and the cat, I knocked on my brother's door and tried walking away as I usually do, steeled against the possibility of seeing him again. Him, the one and only past that stood along the sandbanks of my memory.

My Heart decided to wait for the door to open, as he had always after learning to be in comfort at my parent's household. And when it did, he tried to usher me in. The wave I was bracing for came in the form of a gentle push by My Heart. I stutter stepped into my brother's room and came face to face with him.

"Hey."
"Hey."

My brother who has a knack for saving my life, (literally and figuratively), seemingly jumped out of nowhere and promptly introduced the two. Him and My Heart, Before and Now, Face to Face, (coincidentally sharing one name). I exited to help my Dad with dinner, grateful that I didn't need to speak.

The ride home helped diffuse the situation further if only in my own mind. My brother, always the one to drive, gave both parties a ride home. He in the front seat. Me and My Heart in the back. They were pleasant to each other. Cordial even. My Heart and My Brother's Friend. My Heart and the one and only past.

After settling in at home, I had to tell My Heart. Of course, he pretty much suspected and laughed it off, saying I had given myself away after resisting entry to my brother's room earlier. Then he took the opportunity to make fun of my one and only past.

"Haha, my baby went out with a dork! You dated a dork!..." And with that said, My Heart happily bounced off to play his video games.

...Now when I see him, we fall back into the time when we were friends before the relationship, and it is a comfortable space...

Perhaps I need to change that line above. Change it to reflect the sudden wave that crested tonight and smoothed over the shore. The water crash into the banks, it just reached in and gently pulled away. Things left unsaid, remains unsaid and will eventually fade like a footprint in the sand. I can no longer think of him as the one and only past. He is now and will always be My Brother's Friend.

And as for My Heart? My Heart is a shiny rock that gently pushed his way into the sandbanks of my memory, forming a new crevice while holding me strong against the whispers in the wind.